in 2008 I made a series of poor decisions. decisions that two years later I am still paying for both literally and figuratively. Decisions that I look back on and can only say "wtf was I thinking?" but thinking I was not. I was 18, 19 years old and as far as I was concerned, I knew everything. So I lived day to day making decisions on a whim and slowly but surely destroying everything that I had rebuilt.
I am certain that everyone around me was also wondering "wtf?" but I "knew" best and continued to do as I felt. Looking back now, they were right and I probably should have listened. I wouldn't be sitting here, a few months into 22 and trying to figure out what went wrong.
I am by no means where I had hoped to be at 22. I pushed people away, despite being given second, third and even fourth chances. I made poor decisions in regards to who I would surround myself with and what I did. Putting up walls where I should not have, and let down all of the guards that I should have left up.
I made poor financial decisions because I was young and the money could always be paid back later.
But it wasn't enough to make these decisions in 2008. No, after being given one final change, I had to continue to do them in 2009. I continued to push and pull until there was nothing left. Until I had lost everything.
My chance at being where I wanted to be by 22. To have the things that I was capable of just two years before. I had to throw it all away because I was scared. and lost. I would not admit that to anyone, I could not accept defeat.
I did it. I had to fix it. It was easier to continue running, to continue to dig a hole. Continue to hurt people. To hold myself back.
But I will not run anymore. I am better than that. I have made the errors, the poor decisions, the hurt. I cannot erase that, but I can stop living in the past, and I can change the future.
I am not perfect, I am human. But they say that the first step to change is acceptance.
I accept what I have done. I accept the responsibility for my actions. And I accept the challenge to change what I am doing. I will get there. and I am sorry.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sunday, October 18, 2009
.
it's you.
always has been.
always will be.
from that first october evening.
that was four years ago on the 10th of this month.
incase you forgot.
there's nothing that I regret more than this last year and a bit.
I wanted to grow.
and I held myself back.
made choices that I can never take back.
most importantly I destroyed us.
It may be too late to fix that.
but I will fix me.
and hopefully she's everything you're looking for.
everything I wasn't.
I'm sorry.
always has been.
always will be.
from that first october evening.
that was four years ago on the 10th of this month.
incase you forgot.
there's nothing that I regret more than this last year and a bit.
I wanted to grow.
and I held myself back.
made choices that I can never take back.
most importantly I destroyed us.
It may be too late to fix that.
but I will fix me.
and hopefully she's everything you're looking for.
everything I wasn't.
I'm sorry.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
it's in the little things
happiness that is.
I find it in the littlest things these days. Like, going to renew my license plate and having my speeding ticket just not show up to be paid. $80.00 that I didn't really have. He listens, and he listens well. Granted, I am using a good portion of that money to get my hair done. But, I haven't cut it since December. The money doesn't have to come out of somewhere else. It is in the little things.
I can grow my nails out, quite nicely and completely naturally. I however, do not have the patience or a steady enough hand to ever make them look like much when polishing. So, I indulge and I pay someone else to do it! Which is terrible really. The place I go to though, only charges 15.00 for a french shape and polish change. and for half an hour, I don't have to care or think about anything or anyone but me. I think this is definitely worth $15.00. and I often don't even make time to go in a month, unless I am getting dressed up for something. But, I had them done before Coldplay and I had them done today on a whim driving home. Why? because I could.
The biggest reason that I could, is because my settlement cheque came on Tuesday from my car accident. A cheque that was $1500.00 less than it could have been thanks to ING, but money nonetheless. So I promptly paid off the one credit card COMPLETELY! I am putting $500.00 into a savings account. and the other thousand dollars, I am using to enjoy Disneyworld. I do not intend to spend that much there, but I have completely paid off a credit card and put money into savings. If I do spend that much money, I am going to try really hard not to worry about it.
It's in the little things like a night spent watching Family Guy and Seinfeld. Just in good company. It's in playing Wii bowling and tennis with my parents and the youngest two. My mother, for the record is absolutely hilarious to play with. For the Eagle's who read this - think Grandma playing Gestures when the card drops down just as she goes to grab it.
I still worry all the time about money. There is so much that I want to do in such a small period of time. However, he does listen. and I have received small answers and peace of mind. If I am to work part time, the right job will come along. In the mean time, I have registered on Canadiansitter.ca - which I am absolutely in love with. Parents contact me if they need a babysitter, and I get to choose whether or not I feel like doing it and I get to charge what I want (within reason) and it is easy tax free income doing exactly what I am so passionate about.
It's in the little things. Like denim capris, a blouse and a blazer for $18.00 during a Canada Day Sale. and three dresses, sandals a bathing suit and a tank top from American Eagle for $100.00 (GST rebate, well spent). Driving with the music blaring and the sunroof open. london fogs. and curling up with a good book.
I am Happy.
I find it in the littlest things these days. Like, going to renew my license plate and having my speeding ticket just not show up to be paid. $80.00 that I didn't really have. He listens, and he listens well. Granted, I am using a good portion of that money to get my hair done. But, I haven't cut it since December. The money doesn't have to come out of somewhere else. It is in the little things.
I can grow my nails out, quite nicely and completely naturally. I however, do not have the patience or a steady enough hand to ever make them look like much when polishing. So, I indulge and I pay someone else to do it! Which is terrible really. The place I go to though, only charges 15.00 for a french shape and polish change. and for half an hour, I don't have to care or think about anything or anyone but me. I think this is definitely worth $15.00. and I often don't even make time to go in a month, unless I am getting dressed up for something. But, I had them done before Coldplay and I had them done today on a whim driving home. Why? because I could.
The biggest reason that I could, is because my settlement cheque came on Tuesday from my car accident. A cheque that was $1500.00 less than it could have been thanks to ING, but money nonetheless. So I promptly paid off the one credit card COMPLETELY! I am putting $500.00 into a savings account. and the other thousand dollars, I am using to enjoy Disneyworld. I do not intend to spend that much there, but I have completely paid off a credit card and put money into savings. If I do spend that much money, I am going to try really hard not to worry about it.
It's in the little things like a night spent watching Family Guy and Seinfeld. Just in good company. It's in playing Wii bowling and tennis with my parents and the youngest two. My mother, for the record is absolutely hilarious to play with. For the Eagle's who read this - think Grandma playing Gestures when the card drops down just as she goes to grab it.
I still worry all the time about money. There is so much that I want to do in such a small period of time. However, he does listen. and I have received small answers and peace of mind. If I am to work part time, the right job will come along. In the mean time, I have registered on Canadiansitter.ca - which I am absolutely in love with. Parents contact me if they need a babysitter, and I get to choose whether or not I feel like doing it and I get to charge what I want (within reason) and it is easy tax free income doing exactly what I am so passionate about.
It's in the little things. Like denim capris, a blouse and a blazer for $18.00 during a Canada Day Sale. and three dresses, sandals a bathing suit and a tank top from American Eagle for $100.00 (GST rebate, well spent). Driving with the music blaring and the sunroof open. london fogs. and curling up with a good book.
I am Happy.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Something is missing
I am frustrated.
and this frustrates me.
as I try really hard not to let things get to me.
to go with the flow, roll with the punches and take things with a grain of salt.
but today I am frustrated.
I probably should just not be allowed to sit down and think.
because this never leads to anything good.
but today I did exactly that.
I lay out in the sun with my ipod and a book and tried to just have "me" time.
Which was quickly interuppted, as I was the "big" sister home for Destiny.
Who was very cute, and cut me up an apple and brought it outside with a rammekin of peanut butter.
(In tupperware, so that no Bee's would smell it and come bother me)
There are soo many things that I want to do with my life.
and I have known from a very young age exactly what they are.
I was talking about my childhood last night,
and how I use to make my sisters play endless hours of "daycare" with me.
If that isn't cool, then I don't know what is.
but finances are such a road block.
I feel like everytime I take a step forward,
something pushes me two steps back.
It doesn't matter how many "better" paying jobs I take on.
The money is never there.
The debt is never getting smaller.
I've put off school for two years,
knowing what I want to take but having too much debt to risk applying for student loans.
getting ahead with my finances, and getting into car accident after car accident.
or spending a year with inexplainable, never ending infections.
and I finally get my health under control and stop getting into accidents.
and we're in a freaking recession.
I know that I am not the only one.
that everyone is really struggling these days.
but I am frustrated.
and I try to have faith that it will all work out.
but maybe I'm looking too hard for security signs and missing them all together.
and this frustrates me.
as I try really hard not to let things get to me.
to go with the flow, roll with the punches and take things with a grain of salt.
but today I am frustrated.
I probably should just not be allowed to sit down and think.
because this never leads to anything good.
but today I did exactly that.
I lay out in the sun with my ipod and a book and tried to just have "me" time.
Which was quickly interuppted, as I was the "big" sister home for Destiny.
Who was very cute, and cut me up an apple and brought it outside with a rammekin of peanut butter.
(In tupperware, so that no Bee's would smell it and come bother me)
There are soo many things that I want to do with my life.
and I have known from a very young age exactly what they are.
I was talking about my childhood last night,
and how I use to make my sisters play endless hours of "daycare" with me.
If that isn't cool, then I don't know what is.
but finances are such a road block.
I feel like everytime I take a step forward,
something pushes me two steps back.
It doesn't matter how many "better" paying jobs I take on.
The money is never there.
The debt is never getting smaller.
I've put off school for two years,
knowing what I want to take but having too much debt to risk applying for student loans.
getting ahead with my finances, and getting into car accident after car accident.
or spending a year with inexplainable, never ending infections.
and I finally get my health under control and stop getting into accidents.
and we're in a freaking recession.
I know that I am not the only one.
that everyone is really struggling these days.
but I am frustrated.
and I try to have faith that it will all work out.
but maybe I'm looking too hard for security signs and missing them all together.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Refreshed.
Good bye nylons, blazers and high heels.
hello lulu's, reeboks and free workouts.
I seriously have THE best job ever.
As of Monday I am now a fitness coach training to be Assistant Manager for CURVES. So come and see me for your work out needs! Whether you want to lose, gain, tone or just stay fit. I've fallen in love with the 30 minute circuit, and you will too!
It's such a refreshing feeling to be at a job that actually makes me feel like I am helping people. Not to say that it wasn't satisfying to help women find a new bra every week of pregnancy. It was. But this is so much better, and on such a different level! I actually look forward to going to work every day, and I have such a good time. Plus, I get paid to work out. It doesn't really get any better than that.
Now, if I could just get car to sell.
Seriously, I've lowered it amost $5,000 and its been up for 4 months!
On a side note, for those of you who love to shop online...
check out the following:
You get INSTANT cash back rebates for almost all of your online shopping.
American Eagle, Ebay, Sephora, 1-800 Flowers, Bebe, Sunglass Hut, Avon, Hotels.com and Expedia, The Disney Store and even every day things, like kitchen appliances, printer ink and your pets. In the last couple of months I've received 15.00 in rebates just from my Ebay and American Eagle shopping!
hello lulu's, reeboks and free workouts.
I seriously have THE best job ever.
As of Monday I am now a fitness coach training to be Assistant Manager for CURVES. So come and see me for your work out needs! Whether you want to lose, gain, tone or just stay fit. I've fallen in love with the 30 minute circuit, and you will too!
It's such a refreshing feeling to be at a job that actually makes me feel like I am helping people. Not to say that it wasn't satisfying to help women find a new bra every week of pregnancy. It was. But this is so much better, and on such a different level! I actually look forward to going to work every day, and I have such a good time. Plus, I get paid to work out. It doesn't really get any better than that.
Now, if I could just get car to sell.
Seriously, I've lowered it amost $5,000 and its been up for 4 months!
On a side note, for those of you who love to shop online...
check out the following:
You get INSTANT cash back rebates for almost all of your online shopping.
American Eagle, Ebay, Sephora, 1-800 Flowers, Bebe, Sunglass Hut, Avon, Hotels.com and Expedia, The Disney Store and even every day things, like kitchen appliances, printer ink and your pets. In the last couple of months I've received 15.00 in rebates just from my Ebay and American Eagle shopping!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
only 21.
"you're only 21".
I think that I hear this on a daily basis, if not every other.
occasionally it is a good thing. "I can't believe how mature you are, you're only 21".
but most of the time, it's frustrating. "don't set your expectations so high; you're only 21".
There is so much more to this step into adulthood for me, than Vegas.
So much more that I want to accomplish than getting drunk off my face and partying like it's 1999.
I want to sell my car. Pay off my credit cards. and buy a house.
I want to go to school in the fall. and I want to start my dayhome soon.
I want to fall in love, and never look back.
To have a wonderful man standing beside me, supporting me in that dream.
"One hundred years from now... it will not matter what kind of car I drove. What kind of house I lived in. How much money I had in my bank account. Nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better, because I was important in the life of a child."
This is my dream. my goal. my reason for being.
and I can do it. Not only can I do it, I will do it and I will excel.
so, why should it matter than I am "only 21"?
I do not want to give it time.
I have been working towards this since I was 16 years old.
Working full time, and going to school.
Falling in and out of love faster than the seasons change.
and I want it all, by the time I am 22.
I am not "only" 21. I AM 21. and this will be my year.
I think that I hear this on a daily basis, if not every other.
occasionally it is a good thing. "I can't believe how mature you are, you're only 21".
but most of the time, it's frustrating. "don't set your expectations so high; you're only 21".
There is so much more to this step into adulthood for me, than Vegas.
So much more that I want to accomplish than getting drunk off my face and partying like it's 1999.
I want to sell my car. Pay off my credit cards. and buy a house.
I want to go to school in the fall. and I want to start my dayhome soon.
I want to fall in love, and never look back.
To have a wonderful man standing beside me, supporting me in that dream.
"One hundred years from now... it will not matter what kind of car I drove. What kind of house I lived in. How much money I had in my bank account. Nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better, because I was important in the life of a child."
This is my dream. my goal. my reason for being.
and I can do it. Not only can I do it, I will do it and I will excel.
so, why should it matter than I am "only 21"?
I do not want to give it time.
I have been working towards this since I was 16 years old.
Working full time, and going to school.
Falling in and out of love faster than the seasons change.
and I want it all, by the time I am 22.
I am not "only" 21. I AM 21. and this will be my year.
I always write, I don't always post.
Letter to a lover:
we were young and in love. naive to the world. consumed with eachother.and it was so damn good.but we grew up.circumstances changed.and we grew apart.or maybe I just pulled away.I never meant to hurt you.for I always loved you.even though I did what I did.I always will.and it is because I love you that I left.I want to see you grow and prosper.I want you to become the amazing person you are capable of.I want you to really fall in love.I want you to see the world in all it's glory.in the extraordinarily beautiful way that I do.with the most amazing person you can imagine.held closely by your side.for when you find what I could not give you.it will knock you off your feet.together we were mediocrewhere we should have been extraordinary, passionate and crazy.and now the time has come to be what we could not.for we were young and in love.creating building blocks for life as it should be.and now it is time for us to be magnificent.goodbye my lover.I will cherish you deeply.and keep your memory warm.I wish you nothing but the best.
Growth:
So this is growing up.Broken hearts and poor judgement.reevaluating the past.moving on for the future.These are the years for change.for figuring out who you are, who you have been and what you have done, in order to figure out the perfect combination of who you should be.We're dropping hearts and breaking names.convincing ourselves that we don't care.because at the end of the day we're still alone with ourselves.so why not break some hearts, and make some dreams.We push eachother away because it's easier than getting hurt.We latch on because it's easier than dealing with our insecurities.and then we are surprised when things fall apart.but at the end of the day no one can love you until you love yourself.after all we never really care until we find eachother.and we'll be okay on our own.companionship is great.but it's not worth the pain.That is growing up.
Turning Point:
what does it take for us to realize that something isn't working.that things are not going to go where you want them to.that someone isn't worth the effort.why do we let it get to the point of heartbreak.and where do we go after that turning point.You were my everything.for 14 years I compared every lover to you.convinced myself that you weren't the person I was warned about.because when we were alone you were different.you were the person I dreamed of being with.you convinced me that this was what you wanted to.that this was worth giving a shot.unbeknownst to me you were telling her the same things.everything that I had waited to hear from you.was being rewound and replayed to someone else.and I wish that I cared more.but I can't give keep doing this.I won't sit around waiting for your phone call.drop everything the minute you come into town.or count down the days until you decide what you want.you made your choice when you slept with her.when you pushed me away without warning.when you stopped talking to me.if this had been what you wanted.you would have tried harder.I guess we got what we were looking for.unfortunately we weren't actually looking for the same thing.you weren't looking for a relationship.and I was looking in all of the wrong places.for something that you weren't prepared to give me.and I deserve better.I shouldn't have to play games.or wonder what is going on.I shouldn't have to hear things from other people.about what is really going on.I'm moving on.letting go of past delusions.I guess this is the turning point.from life long expectant relationship.back to unbreakable friendship.It was fun while it lasted.
Foolish Games:
why do we always want what we can't have and dispose of what we can.why do we throw away the good things in life in favor of disfunction.Girls don't want nice guys. and guys don't want nice girls.We want the drama, the instability and the insecurities.because if we actually wanted the nice guy we would have them.If guys actually wanted the good girl. well we'd have a few less... I won't even go there. Why do we thrive off of the stupid vibes.is it the thrill of the chase that makes us so blind to reality.why are we so willing to give everything that we haveevery time there is a sliver of hope.even though we know that it's not actually going to get us anywhere.why do we fool ourselves.why do we shut ourselves out from the genuine people around us.why do we ignore their effortsacts of kindness that have no hidden meaning.we cannot just accept a gift for what it is anymore.or a favor for the sake of helping someone out.why do we throw away companionship and compatibility,holding hands, silly moments, someone to turn to, quiet friday nights, random dates, blaring cheesy music, falling asleep together.for a good ... well you know.Why do we let go of the good ones.for a chance at right now.why do we lead eachother on.only to end things with a heart-wrenching blow off.because nice isn't what we actually want.if we did we wouldn't hurt eachother.we wouldn't play games.there would be no guessing.waiting, hoping, anticipating.there would be no losers.in this foolish game.
we were young and in love. naive to the world. consumed with eachother.and it was so damn good.but we grew up.circumstances changed.and we grew apart.or maybe I just pulled away.I never meant to hurt you.for I always loved you.even though I did what I did.I always will.and it is because I love you that I left.I want to see you grow and prosper.I want you to become the amazing person you are capable of.I want you to really fall in love.I want you to see the world in all it's glory.in the extraordinarily beautiful way that I do.with the most amazing person you can imagine.held closely by your side.for when you find what I could not give you.it will knock you off your feet.together we were mediocrewhere we should have been extraordinary, passionate and crazy.and now the time has come to be what we could not.for we were young and in love.creating building blocks for life as it should be.and now it is time for us to be magnificent.goodbye my lover.I will cherish you deeply.and keep your memory warm.I wish you nothing but the best.
Growth:
So this is growing up.Broken hearts and poor judgement.reevaluating the past.moving on for the future.These are the years for change.for figuring out who you are, who you have been and what you have done, in order to figure out the perfect combination of who you should be.We're dropping hearts and breaking names.convincing ourselves that we don't care.because at the end of the day we're still alone with ourselves.so why not break some hearts, and make some dreams.We push eachother away because it's easier than getting hurt.We latch on because it's easier than dealing with our insecurities.and then we are surprised when things fall apart.but at the end of the day no one can love you until you love yourself.after all we never really care until we find eachother.and we'll be okay on our own.companionship is great.but it's not worth the pain.That is growing up.
Turning Point:
what does it take for us to realize that something isn't working.that things are not going to go where you want them to.that someone isn't worth the effort.why do we let it get to the point of heartbreak.and where do we go after that turning point.You were my everything.for 14 years I compared every lover to you.convinced myself that you weren't the person I was warned about.because when we were alone you were different.you were the person I dreamed of being with.you convinced me that this was what you wanted to.that this was worth giving a shot.unbeknownst to me you were telling her the same things.everything that I had waited to hear from you.was being rewound and replayed to someone else.and I wish that I cared more.but I can't give keep doing this.I won't sit around waiting for your phone call.drop everything the minute you come into town.or count down the days until you decide what you want.you made your choice when you slept with her.when you pushed me away without warning.when you stopped talking to me.if this had been what you wanted.you would have tried harder.I guess we got what we were looking for.unfortunately we weren't actually looking for the same thing.you weren't looking for a relationship.and I was looking in all of the wrong places.for something that you weren't prepared to give me.and I deserve better.I shouldn't have to play games.or wonder what is going on.I shouldn't have to hear things from other people.about what is really going on.I'm moving on.letting go of past delusions.I guess this is the turning point.from life long expectant relationship.back to unbreakable friendship.It was fun while it lasted.
Foolish Games:
why do we always want what we can't have and dispose of what we can.why do we throw away the good things in life in favor of disfunction.Girls don't want nice guys. and guys don't want nice girls.We want the drama, the instability and the insecurities.because if we actually wanted the nice guy we would have them.If guys actually wanted the good girl. well we'd have a few less... I won't even go there. Why do we thrive off of the stupid vibes.is it the thrill of the chase that makes us so blind to reality.why are we so willing to give everything that we haveevery time there is a sliver of hope.even though we know that it's not actually going to get us anywhere.why do we fool ourselves.why do we shut ourselves out from the genuine people around us.why do we ignore their effortsacts of kindness that have no hidden meaning.we cannot just accept a gift for what it is anymore.or a favor for the sake of helping someone out.why do we throw away companionship and compatibility,holding hands, silly moments, someone to turn to, quiet friday nights, random dates, blaring cheesy music, falling asleep together.for a good ... well you know.Why do we let go of the good ones.for a chance at right now.why do we lead eachother on.only to end things with a heart-wrenching blow off.because nice isn't what we actually want.if we did we wouldn't hurt eachother.we wouldn't play games.there would be no guessing.waiting, hoping, anticipating.there would be no losers.in this foolish game.
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